Negotiation Cheat Sheet

Goal

People want to be understood and accepted. Two primal urges:

• Need to feel safe & secure
• Need to feel in control

Listen intensely → demonstrate empathy + show a sincere desire to better understand what the other side is experiencing.

Prepare

• Goal: reveal surprises in the negotiation
• Hypotheses vs. assumptions: Use negotiation to test hypotheses
• Uncover as much information as possible (not a battle of arguments)
• Uncover what counterpart actually needs → get them feeling safe to talk more
• Sole focus: the other person and what they have to say

Tone

Smile. Slow. It. Down.

Three voices:

• Late-night DJ voice: Use selectively. Inflect downward. Calm and slow. Creates trustworthiness without triggering defensiveness
• Positive & playful: Default voice. Easygoing, good natured. Relax and smile while talking
• Direct / Assertive: Used rarely

Mirror

Repeat the last (or critical) 3 words of what someone else has said. Insinuates similarity which facilitates bonding.

Mirror Process

• Use Late Night FM DJ Voice
• Start sentences with I'm sorry…
• Mirror
• Silence, at least 4 seconds to let the mirror work its magic
• Repeat

Tactical Empathy

• Imagine myself in the counterpart's situation
• Recognize their perspective and vocalize that recognition
• Understand counterpart's feelings & hear what is behind those feelings
• Bring attention to emotional obstacles to getting an agreement done
• Look at words, tone, and body language. Spot changes and look for incongruences

Labels

Validate someone's emotion by acknowledging it:

Pause to let the label sink in. Other party will fill in the silence. Every 4th verbalization should be a label.

Neutralize the Negative

Focus first on clearing the barriers to an agreement. Label fears to diffuse their power.

Process

• Observe without reaction & judgement
• Label each negative feeling
• Replace with a positive, compassionate & solution-based thought

Accusation Audit

• List the worst things my counterpart can say about me first
• Use labels to reinforce & encourage positive perceptions
• Remove I understand from your vocabulary. Never use it

Start with No

Need to feel in control → let them get it by saying No. Saying Yes makes people defensive.

If I hear No

Three types of Yes

• Counterfeit: Yes as an escape route
• Confirmation: Reflexive response, no promise of action
• Commitment: True agreement that leads to action

That's Right

Good: That's Right · Bad: Yes, You're Right

Trigger it with a Summary

• Effective Pauses: encourage counterparty to keep talking
• Minimal Encouragers: Yes, OK, Uh-Huh, I see
• Mirroring: Listen & repeat back
• Labeling: Give feelings a name
• Paraphrase: Repeat in my own words
• Summarize: Paraphrase + Labeling = That's Right

Deadlines

• Deadlines make people do impulsive things
• Resist the urge to rush as a deadline approaches
• Take advantage of the rush in others
• Share my deadlines: information asymmetry is worse for me

Three Uses of "Fair"

Defensive

"We just want what's fair" → "Let's go back to where I started treating you unfairly and we'll fix it"

Nefarious

"We've given you a fair offer" → "Fair? It seems like you're ready to provide the evidence that supports that."

Positive

"I want you to feel like you are being treated fairly at all times. So please stop me at any time if you feel I'm being unfair."

Bend Their Reality

• Anchor their emotions: Start with an accusation audit. Anchor them in preparation for a loss
• Let the other party suggest a price first
• Establish a bolstering range: Recall a similar deal. Range high
• Pivot to non-monetary terms: Give things that aren't important. Get things that are
• Use odd numbers: Don't use round numbers
• Surprise with a gift: Generate reciprocity

Ackerman Bargaining

Set target price, then plan your offers:

• Buyer: 65% → 85% → 95% → 100%
• Seller: 135% → 115% → 105% → 100%

At final offer, add a non-monetary item to show you're at your limit.

Pre-empt with Accusation Audit

Three Types of Leverage

Positive

I have something they want.

Negative

My ability to make my counterpart suffer. More powerful because of loss aversion. Find what's important: their audience, status, reputation, worries.

Normative

Using the other party's norms to advance my position. Show inconsistencies between beliefs and actions. No one likes to look like a hypocrite.

Loss Aversion

People will take more risks to avoid a loss than realize a gain. Make sure my opponent sees there is something to lose by inaction.

Extreme Anchor

• Emotionally anchor by saying how bad it will be
• Set an extreme anchor to make my real number seem reasonable
• Use a range to seem less aggressive

7-38-55 Rule

7% content < 38% tone of voice < 55% body language & face

• Fly great distances to meet people in person
• Pay close attention to tone and body language
• Label the incongruence: "I heard you say Yes but it seemed like there was a hesitation in your voice"

Rule of Three

Get them to say yes 3 times:

• Get them to give me a commitment
• Label + summarize → get a That's Right
• Calibrated How or What questions about implementation

Spotting Liars

• Use more words than truth tellers
• Talk about him, her, it, they. Rarely I
• Speak in more complex sentences

Black Swans

• 3 Black Swans in every negotiation
• Every negotiation is new. Don't let old patterns blind me
• Always ask: Why are they communicating what they are communicating right now?

Not Crazy

People acting crazy often aren't. They may be ill-informed, constrained, or have hidden interests.

Get Face Time

• Observe unguarded moments: first few minutes before business, last moments leaving, interruptions
• When something doesn't make sense, there's an opportunity. Dig in!

Similarity Principle

People trust those in their in-group. Mirror attitudes, beliefs, ideas, even modes of dress.

The Power of "Because"

People respond favorably to requests followed by a because reason, even if the reason isn't great.